


Cut Me Deep, There Runs No Blood

by Lacrimula_Falsa



Series: The Dead, The Dying And The Depressed [4]
Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Bad Parenting, Gen, I was depressed and so is the character, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3191717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacrimula_Falsa/pseuds/Lacrimula_Falsa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lore hates being repaired. They tell him androids feel no pain. But no one ever asked him if he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cut Me Deep, There Runs No Blood

**Author's Note:**

> _Disclaimer:_ All praise the Great Bird of the Galaxy. I do not own any part of the StarTrek franchise/universe. I make no profit with this. But my writing profits from constructive criticism.
> 
> _**Warning:**_ Mention of self-harm. Proceed with caution if this is a sensitive or triggering subject for you. Might also be triggering for depression.
> 
> I never could quite grasp what 'Angst' as a genre was supposed to be but I guess this is it? Maybe?

Lore hates being repaired. He doesn't get wounded too often but he isn't indestructible.

When his mother cuts herself chopping vegetables - _"Only lazy people replicate all their food."_ \- his father is gentle.

" _Does that hurt, love?"_

" _It's just a scratch, Noonien, stop prodding and hand me the dermal regenerator."_

With him, it's just questions.

" _Is it the servo, or the accelerator?"_

With him, his father's voice is clinical, occasionally distracted and, if he thinks the injury is _unnecessary_ , cold.

" _You skinned nearly all of your arm_ again _, Lore. Can't you pay attention? I have better things to do than to fix you all the time, damn it."_

He never has something _better_ to do when Juliana is hurt. With her, his voice is warm.

Maybe it is because Juliana _bleeds_.

_Lore thinks he is bleeding, because there is fluid running down his arm after he cuts it. That is 'bleeding', isn't it?_

_His father tells him that is just coolant fluid._

" _Not_ blood _, Lore." Exasperated. Exasperated because his son is so slow._

_That night, Lore cries. Or at least he thinks he is crying. Maybe it's just lubricant._

Maybe it is because her blood is red. Because she has muscles and sinew and bone.

He has servos and wiring and internal lining and sometimes he _hates_ it. Hates his body that so strong and so fast but so _not-human_.

He reads that sometimes, humans hurt themselves. The book doesn't say why, just that it's unhealthy.

But he's no human, so he tries it anyway. He takes a scalpel and, with all the force he can muster, drives it trough his arm.

It hurts.

And that's what he hates the most, because it always _hurts._ Because he doesn't _bleed_ and he probably doesn't _cry_ but he still _hurts._

When his father or mother rummage around his insides, trying to find a faulty component, it _hurts_.

When his father peels of a swath of skin-graft, it _hurts_.

He doesn't cry or make sounds when he is hurt like the humans do but something inside of him screams at him to _get away_ and _stopstopstopstopstop._

But his body doesn't move. His traitorous body that's so cleverly designed and so resilient doesn't even make a sound. His parents may shut off his body parts but it still _hurts._

" _Stop fidgeting, Lore."_

" _Oh Lore, don't make a fuss. It will be over sooner if you sit still."_

He repairs the wound from the scalpel himself.

His father would be mad at him, his mother would be disappointed.

He can just picture their faces and it makes him feel like something heavy hit his stomach and stayed there.

* * *

 

They tell him androids feel no pain. No one ever asked him if he does.

(But then, they'd have to know, wouldn't they? They made him, after all.)

Maybe he is just broken, or _wrong_.

It's that thought that keeps him from telling anyone, not that anyone would ask.

Sometimes he wonders what would happen if his mother -because his father would never- would ask him if he's hurt and he said yes.

He's afraid she wouldn't care. Therefore, he's grateful, in a way, that she never asks.

He reads another book that day, a gift from the neighbour's daughter.

"Cut me deep," the main character says "there runs no blood."

The main character is a vampire.

Lore thinks that he has more in common with that vampire than with a human.

_I'm a vampire._

And that thought's so odd and he starts laughing.

And he _laughs_ and _laughs_ and _laughs_ and he can't _stop._ (Or maybe his voice synthesiser is broken.)

(They say that sometimes you can't see when someone takes a step towards madness because the step is so small.)

* * *

 

Later, he will find out that being without a body hurts the most, when his father takes off his head.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> So I was feeling kind of depressed and, well... (The first fanfic I started and finished on the same day and without interruption, I'm so proud. ;)) Also the way I write them the Soongs suck at parenting. Hm...


End file.
